occoquan1's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I walk through an alley of my soul and find a strange destination Quiet now. Cats sleeping nearby. Bird asleep...I keep him up far longer than I should. It's the hours I keep, and I can't keep him covered up the greater part of the day. Poor thing. He does love me though. Sings his songs that I sing back. Sweet, and he perks up when I come home. The cats too...intelligent little beings. Wait for me by the door...talk to me through the evening. Smile at me when I bend down to pet them. Purring, purring...so soft. So comforting. I don't just "have" pets, I need them, way more than they ever need me, and they need me a lot so what does that tell you. They are my family at home, of that I have no doubt. July, that month of oppressive heat is arriving shortly...how I see July? In shades of red, orange, green, and yellow. And shimmering waves of heat. At night, the moist earth expells its treasures. The little ones they climb out and eat. Usually my garden. However, I have a defender. A mantis! A mantis has made itself at home in my garden and I am so lucky. They eat everything...spiders, beetles, all manner of pesties. Random thought...the world is full of muck, and the rakers of said muck, but if one pushes away the muck, there are still treasures to be found. Every day something awful happens in this world, and every day there is a little, tiny something that brings me a glimmer of joy. I think sometimes I am living in fear and don't even know it. My stomach is always tense. Every time I achieve a bit of happiness, I feel guilty. Why is that? I think I know why. I loved my mom so much and she had such a hard, cruel, passing that even now, I haven't really gotten over it. How can I be happy when after what she went through? Her passing brought her relief, but the price she paid beforehand. I never talk about this...why now? Let me tell you something...watching someone you love so much die this way. It's horrible, so terrible. You love someone so much and you can't do anything for them. Yes, you can BE there for them, but to stop the constant agony? The pain? What I wouldn't have done to have given her some relief. This person I still love so much and who influenced my life in so profound a way. The suffering she went through is beyond description...it leaves me pale and shaken just thinking about it. And this goes through my mind every single day...I even obsess over her last day...did I do everything right, all the procedures, check everything like I was supposed to? That at first was unbearable. The guilt, that I may have done something incorrectly. Then I discovered that there was nothing that I could have done at the last...that her body was shutting down. When she passed, it was time. Did I rake some muck? When things are this horrible, how can one find joy again? And yet, even in the darkness of this sadness, I still do find some joys. Driving with the window open and the breeze on my skin. Looking up at the stars on clear night. Flowers, intricate in their beauty. The awe of connecting with my cats...another species, in a very loving and personal way. The blue of the sky. I find solace and comfort in my family and friends. I find peace in stillness. And sometimes, I still can find that happy-go-lucky guy that I once was inside. He's still there, wonder of wonders. He's still there. 11:13 p.m. - 06-30-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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